Newtonian Ethics

A deadpan satire arguing that morality is literally a form of gravity obeying an inverse-square law. From this it 'derives' why a New Yorker owes distant Congolese ~1/1000 of what a neighbor would (and 'confirms' it against charity statistics to within 24 cents — the physics-envy joke), and computes exactly how far you must walk from a beggar before the moral force drops below your own (≈4 meters). Underneath the bit is a real Singer-style point: people actually do discount suffering by distance, and stated baldly that is an indictment.

Quality 65 · Strong. Strong, low. One of his sharper satires — a sustained, clever conceit (morality-as-gravity played straight) carrying a genuine underlying argument about moral distance-discounting, a notch above pure joke-lists. Held low-Strong as a short single-conceit comedy piece; level with the philosophy-coffee-shop jokes (64).

Claude’s paradigm shift 30 · Slight. Slight (30). A clever, original satirical framing, but the underlying point (distance-discounting of moral obligation) is Singer-familiar and satire isn't paradigm-shifting.

Real-world impact 1 · Negligible. Negligible (1). A memorable satire occasionally cited within the community; no material reach.

Humor 3/5 · Scissor Statement. 3 — Scissor. Gate clearly passes: a dedicated, intentional satire (tagged satire), the comedic conceit IS the piece. Magnitude 3 (primarily comedic — the deadpan precision and beggar-distance table land); not 4 (wry/clever, not helpless laughter).